


I'm A Monster

by the_only_education_worth_having



Series: Requested Fics [13]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Post-Break Up, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:55:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12095232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_education_worth_having/pseuds/the_only_education_worth_having
Summary: Remus is sure that if he stays with reader she'll get hurt, can she convince him otherwise?





	1. I'm A Monster

**Author's Note:**

> This is a requested fic, couldn't do it in one chapter so it's going to be a few - Hey! I was wondering if you could write a Remus x reader, where he and the reader have a huge fight ending in a break up when Remus calls her a name, after which she falls into a bad place and sirius talks some sense into Remus and it’s all ANGSTY!!

Remus paced frantically inside the common room. He was waiting for Y/N to appear as he knew she would for it was a Thursday, and on Thursdays, she would go to choir practice after dinner before heading back to the common room to collect her books so she could go to the library. The fire was warm against his cold skin. This cycle had been particularly harsh on Remus, leaving him feeling under the weather most days, so the heat was a saving grace as he waited nervously. ‘Mate, would you sit down, you’re going to wear a hole into the carpet,’ James said as he twiddled a snitch in his fingers expertly. Remus shook his head as Sirius groaned, obviously displeased with his friend’s disobedience. ‘What are you so het up about anyway?’ Sirius asked watching Remus curiously, but Remus only replied with a stern mutter of ‘Nothing,’ and the boys knew not to push it any further.

The was a sound at the portrait hole and Remus looked up as Y/N climbed through with her friend Odette. She smiled as she spotted him, and after saying something to her friend she was approaching him coming to wrap her arms around him and leaning up so she could place a kiss on his cheek. ‘Ugh,’ Sirius teased but Y/N merely rolled her eyes and ignored him, greeting Remus. ‘Hey,’ she said smiling before concern danced over her features as she looked up at Remus’ face, ‘You okay?’ she asked and Remus nodded. Glancing at his friends he looked back to her and asked ‘Can we go somewhere else, please?’ and Y/N nodded happily though a pit was growing in her stomach.

The two of them walked out of the common room and down the corridor until they got to the astronomy tower. This was one of their favourite places in the whole of the school, as they could see the whole of Hogwarts from here. Climbing the steps to the top they came out into the open, the cool evening air washing over them, making them slightly chilly. Looking out they could see all the grounds under a dusky sky and Y/N sighed, the true beauty of the scenery never failing to amaze her. As she turned she found Remus stood awkwardly by the stairs. She watched him quietly before saying ‘Remus, are you sure you’re okay?’  
‘Yeah, well. I don’t know.’  
‘It’s the thing with Snape again, isn’t it?’  
‘Y/N.’  
‘Well, isn’t it?’  
‘Yeah.’  
‘Remus,’ she sighed moving closer so she was stood in front of him. He bit his lip as she placed her hand on his folded arms, ‘Remus we’ve talked about this- ‘  
‘I know but Y/N.’  
‘No! No, you can’t do this again. Just because something could have happened to Snape doesn’t mean it must affect our whole lives. It was an accident.’  
‘I know it was but I can’t stop what I am. And what happened with Snape just proves that you’re not safe around me! And I’m just supposed to let you stay with me and put you in danger? How could I do that? And how can I do that to you?’  
‘You’re not doing anything to me!’  
‘But I could do. That’s the problem. I’m a monster Y/N.’  
‘You’re not a monster. You’re Remus, my Remus and I love you. And I thought you loved me too.’  
‘I do love you.’  
‘So why isn’t that enough?’  
‘Because I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you, if I- ‘Remus paused, turning out of Y/N’s grasp, the thought of something fatal happening made him feel physically sick. They’d had this conversation before, in the early days of their relationship. Remus had always known he was a monster but his friends and his family had accepted him so well he had kind of forgot about it. All those old feelings had resurfaced when he got together with Y/N, the constant fear of losing her to his condition playing heavily on his mind, though she’d tried to put to rest all those worries.

Then Sirius had lured Snape into the shrieking shack, putting Snape directly in the path of Remus’ alternate form thus endangering his life. When Remus came back to himself the next day he was sickened by the idea that without James Potter’s intervention he’d be a murderer. He’d pondered these thoughts until he knew what he had to do. He knew his friends wouldn’t leave his side but if could make Y/N break up with him at least she’d be safe, and so he had to try.  
‘Because you don’t want to lose me we should stop seeing each other, how in the world does that make sense?’ she asked impatiently and Remus knew that she was growing tired of this argument, but he also knew that to split up he’d have to go big.

‘It just does.’  
‘No, it doesn’t- ‘  
‘It does look you just don’t get it! You have no idea what it’s like to live like this, like a monster!’  
‘Then let me, Remus! Help me understand! Just let me be with you and we can figure it out together.’  
‘No! You think that this is what it’ll be like outside of Hogwarts? You think that life will just be easy so long as you lock me away at the full moon? Well, it won’t be! It’ll be years of working job to job. It’ll be being shunned from society because they’ve figured out my big secret. It’ll be the risk of passing the mutation on to any kids that we have because I’m a monster. So, no you don’t get it Y/N because you’re living in this stupid little bubble. You can’t get it because you have no idea how anything works in the wizarding world! You don’t get it because you’re just a stupid little muggleborn!’

Remus stopped shouting, though his breathing remained ragged and fast. Tears pooled in Y/N’s eyes as she clenched her jaw tight as if to stop them overflowing. Her heart had broken at every word and as Remus watched her react so had his. Taking a deep breath, she said ‘Fine, you know what if that’s how you really feel you get your wish. We’re over and you know what, I do get it. I get that if you really loved me you’d want to get through this not discard me as soon as the going gets tough. I hope you’re happy with yourself.’ And with that she stormed past him and down the stairs as Remus listening to her heart-wrenching sobs as they echoed back up the spiral stone staircase, causing his own tears to fall.


	2. Post-Breakup Problems

Y/N please get up,’ Lily begged, tugging on Y/N’s feet under the covers as the girl clung to the headboard of her four-poster bed. A muffled ‘no’ resounded from underneath a pillow causing Lily to sigh. Tossing her long red hair back she said, ‘Fine but you only have half an hour to get to class. If you miss any more lessons McGonagall said she’s going to come up here and get you herself. Your choice.’ 

And with that Y/N heard her feet march across the room and the dormitory door slam shut. Shifting to sitting position Y/N looked at the clock on the bedside table which read 8:30 am. She supposed that she better attempt to go to class today even though for the last week and a half she had feigned terrible menstrual cramps in the hopes that her head of house wouldn’t force her to attend lessons, which McGonagall hadn’t. In the first few days, her friends had been supportive, they’d helped her avoid Remus as much as possible and even brought her food from the dining hall so she wouldn’t have to be present at meal times. Though now they were growing tired of this routine and expected her to return to normal.

But how could she, it was one thing to break up with someone, it was another thing to have to see them every day. Climbing out of bed she headed to the bathroom to wash and then came back into the dormitory to put on her school uniform. By the time she was ready, the clock read 08:55 am, which left her 5 minutes to get down to her first lesson of the day. Herbology.

This wasn’t too bad, though Remus was in her class she could put enough distance between herself and him so that she would barely have to look at him let alone speak to him. Making her way rapidly to the greenhouses she arrived just in the nick of time and plonked herself on the end of the table on the opposite side of the room to the marauders.

Remus watched her enter, though he turned his eyes away as she scanned the classroom looking for a seat. He’d felt so guilty this past week and though he knew she’d be upset he never thought that she would skip school because of him. As the lesson progressed he found himself glancing at her, hoping that she’d look at him though Y/N was adamantly using all of her willpower not to. Her hair was down, which was unusual and she was wearing more makeup than she normally did which Remus found curious. In Remus’ opinion, she never needed makeup but he assumed this was a post-breakup ploy to make him feel bad, and it was working.

Y/N kept her eyes fixed on her work and the people at her table through the whole of the lesson, but she could feel Remus’ eyes on her which made her grateful for the idea she’d had to have her hair down as it provided some shield from him seeing how tired she actually looked. That was why she’d worn extra makeup today too, the bags under her eyes looking more like purplish bruises rather than just lack of sleep. When the bell rang, Y/N had her bag and jacket and was out the door before Professor Sprout dismissed the class. Her next class wasn’t a problem as Remus was not in it though she did have to sit next to James, of whom she would usually have a good time with, though now an awkwardness lingered in the air.

She was on a roll until her fourth lesson where she made it to Transfiguration later than she intended and the only spot left in the room was her usual place, right next to Remus. Sighing inwardly, she slipped into the seat next to him, sitting as close to the aisle as possible as McGonagall doled out matchboxes for them to work on and asked them to take out their books. Fortunately, the work they were asked to do was solo so there was no need for talking between the pair, a fact that Y/N was very grateful for.

They didn’t speak, she didn’t even look at him but Remus couldn’t help himself. After over a week apart now she was next to him and he spent most of the lesson looking at her. A long curtain of hair blocked most of his view but he could see the bags that had formed under her eyes. Her eyes were still slightly red as if she’d been crying not so long ago, Remus’ heart twanged. As she moved the scent of her perfume hit his nostrils and he wanted nothing more in that moment than for her to crawl into bed with him and lay there forever, in each other’s arms.

By the time Remus attempted to say something to her the bell rang and she was gone from her seat like a whippet, leaving him dumbfounded. Whilst he sat in the great hall with the boys he scanned the Gryffindor table for her face but it wasn’t there, after scanning the other tables he discovered that she was nowhere to be found. He didn’t see her for the rest of the day.


	3. Is It Enough Anymore?

The next week or so continued in this pattern. Y/N would appear sporadically throughout the day and then would disappear. The girls were getting annoyed with her and so, they decided to have a heart to heart by cornering her in the empty classroom she’d slipped into to wait out the second lesson. Y/N looked up as they entered, Lily, Odette and Amelia. ‘What are you guys doing in here?’ she asked as they grabbed chairs and situated themselves around the table. ‘We’ve come to get you.’

‘What do you mean you've come to get me?’

‘We’re sick of you moping about like a lost puppy!’ Lily said, as Odette scolded her, obviously not anticipating the no-nonsense strategy Lily had decided to implement. Placing a reassuring hand on Y/N’s arm Odette said, ‘What Lily means is that don’t you think you it’s time you-‘

‘What?’ Y/N scowled, ‘Do I think it's time I just got over it? That’s what you want to say right?’

‘It’s not like that-‘ Odette said though Y/N scoffed and rolled her eyes, ‘We get that you loved Remus-,’ Amelia chimed.

‘-But, Remus has his own…problems,’ Lily said tactfully, so the other two wouldn't catch on. She had known, even before they had started dating, as the brightest witch of her age it didn’t take long for her to cotton on about his condition. Looking down at Y/N who was now slumped on her folded arms she continued, ‘We know you love him and that what you’re going through now hurts more than anything. But I don’t see Remus skipping class or not eating or sleeping. He seems perfectly fine whilst you've holed yourself away in an empty charms class all so you don’t run into him? It’s ridiculous.’

Tears were pooling yet again in Y/N’s eyes as she looked up and said, ‘I know that! I just don’t think I can-‘

‘So you’re going to avoid him forever?’ Amelia asked.

‘Of course not.’

‘Well then,’ Odette said standing up, the other girls following her lead, ‘Now’s a good of a time as any. Grab your bag. We’re going to our lesson.’ Y/N watched as the girls looked at her expectantly and silently she grabbed her bag and rose from the table. The girls smiled at her and patted her reassuringly as they made their way to Potions.

Slughorn was not best pleased with the prospect of 4 of his NEWT students turning up twenty minutes late but before he could say anything Lily used her edge as #1 student and saved them all detention. The girls commandeered an empty table and sat down. Y/N ignored Remus who was situated at his normal spot, two tables away, and instead held her head high. A feat that was much easier with her friends helping her every step of the way.

Remus watched her as she came in, his heart aching every time she laughed or when he caught snippets of her conversation. Resting his head on his hand he made no effort to stop his obvious staring and was only distracted when Sirius knocked his arm from under him causing his head to almost hit the table.

‘What was that for?’ Remus snapped, glancing around to see if anyone had noticed the ruckus. ‘It was because you were ignoring me,’ Sirius said simply as it was the most reasonable thing in the world, ‘I must have called your name at least three times to no avail so you left me with no choice, right Prongs?’ he asked and James nodded with a smirk.

‘Well, what do you want?’ Remus asked, his mood disappearing guilt of being so snappy with his best friend plaguing him now.

‘I want to know why you won't stop staring at Y/N.’

‘I agree,’ said James and Peter in unison.

‘I wasn’t staring,’ Remus said, turning to his work a crimson blush making its way up his neck and spreading along his pale skin.

‘You’ve practically burned a hole into the side of her face mate,’ James chuckled.

‘I wasn’t staring!’

‘You were but whatever I just want to know why. I mean she broke up with you, right? In my opinion, you need to forget about her and find someone else.’

‘Pads is right If she broke up with you she’s obviously an idiot and I would expect that-‘

‘She didn’t.’ Remus muttered, not making eye contact with any of the group.

‘What?’ Peter asked straining to hear what Remus had said.

‘I said she didn’t.’

‘She didn’t break up with you?’ Sirius asked, confusion written all over his handsome face, ‘So you broke up with her?’

‘Well no,’ Remus paused, the strain of thinking back to that night causing him to feel sad again, ‘Sort of. We needed to break up and I couldn't do it so I sort of made her break up with me.’

‘You sort of made… wait so you… ‘

‘I don’t understand,’ James said puzzled as Peter nodded in agreement.

‘I said things that made her break up with me, look I really don’t want to talk about it would you just drop it.’ Remus asked as the boys looked at each other with concern.

‘Why would you do that?’ Sirius asked, genuinely confused.

‘I said drop it Padfoot,’ and at that moment the bell rang. Students rose rapidly from their desks and collected their belongings. The Marauders lingered so Lily, Odette, Amelia and Y/N could walk past their table and out the door first.

The boys then made their way out of the dungeons and to the great hall for break time. Sitting down at one of the long tables Remus produced a book from his bag in the hopes that his friends wouldn’t want to speak to him any further.James, Sirius and Peter shared a look before James reached across the table and yanked the book out of Remus’ hands and hid it under the table.

Exasperated Remus said, ‘ Give it back Prongs.’

‘Nope.’

‘C’mon, guys.’

‘Nope not until you tell us why you broke up with Y/N,’ Sirius said, looking at Remus expectantly.

‘We just weren’t working out.’

‘Well, you seemed pretty loved up to me, right guys?’ he asked and James and Peter nodded, ‘In fact, there was many a time of day you guys nearly made me wretch, so spill.’

‘Its complicated.’

‘We’re listening,’ Peter said but Remus didn’t say anything, he merely folded his arms across his chest and scowled, he didn’t have to share his reasoning with anyone, not even his best friends.

The boys waited for an answer but nothing came. Sirius watched Remus’ face as if the words were written across his forehead, he even narrowed his eyes as if he were reading them and then, slamming his hand on the table he said, ‘Aha! I know why.’

‘No you don’t,’ James scoffed but Sirius only nodded and exclaimed, ‘Yes I do.’

‘Then enlighten us,’ Remus said challengingly as Sirius fixed his tie, smugly.

‘It’s about Snivellus. Isn’t it?’ Remus' face paled, he hated that Sirius could read him like an open book and as he hung his head in shame, SIirus rejoiced in this fact before his face turned to a concerned look, like the other boys.

‘Remus, please tell me you didn’t split up with your girlfriend because of that greasy old git,’ Peter asked, but Remus said nothing and the boys took the silence as confirmation of their suspicions, James exclaimed ‘Oh Moony!’

‘We’ve talked about this!’

‘I know,’ Remus said.

‘Why why would you do something like that?’

‘Because I love her! Because if she stays with me she’s going to get hurt. If I could make you lot go away too I would but I can't. And I know there are no words that would force you lot away, I mean you risk your lives for me every month but she's different! I can stop this one so I should!’

‘No you shouldn’t,’ Sirius said, matter of factly and cut Remus off as he tried to retaliate, ‘Listen to me Remus and listen real good. You are my best friend, practically my brother. But you are also the biggest idiot that I’ve ever known, and that’s including Peter,’ he joked as Peter rolled his eyes, ‘We love you so whatever furry little problem you might have doesn’t matter to us. And it doesn’t matter to Y/N either. She knew what this meant when she found out about your condition and she chose to be with you because she loves you. And you’re going to throw it all away because Snivellus tried to tattle to the whole school and almost got himself killed? You're an idiot.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

‘Yes, it is.’ Sirius said, the look on his face telling Remus that he wasn’t going to change his mind.

The bell rang as Sirius finished his speech. Gathering their belongings the stood from the table, James reaching out and handing the stolen book back to Remus. Sirius paused before moving though, causing the boys to look at him and said, ‘Look, whatever you think, wrong, right whatever. You’re still miserable. And so is she. So get a move on and go and find her and ask her to take you back. Because you should be together, and I would rather wretch at the sight of your PDA than watch your mopey face for a minute longer,’ and with that he nudged James on the arm and the two of them left the hall at a speed, Peter scuttling behind them, leaving Remus in their wake, deliberating on their words.

Remus was lost to his thoughts for the rest of the day, pondering what to do. His last lesson of the day was free so he made himself useful and did work in the library, though found himself unable to concentrate and so gave up around half an hour in. Gathering his things he ambled through the corridors, his final destination being the Gryffindor common room. The bell rang as wandered, signalling the end of the day and he was soon in corridors full of students who were finishing their lessons and heading to other activities. In the chaos Remus found that he’d taken a wrong turn, being lost in his head evidently being a hindrance. Turning back down the now deserted corridor he walked back the way he’d come heading towards the staircases.

Before he got to them though a girl entered the corridor, several feet ahead of him, from an adjacent classroom door. He recognised her figure, from the long ponytail down to the tight clad legs. He jogged to catch up to her, his long legs getting him there within a matter of seconds. She turned as she heard him approach, her lips going into a tight line and her jaw clenching. ‘Hey,’ Remus said, but she kept walking looking straight ahead. They were at the stairs now and she marched on taking the stairs as fast as she could to get a way from him, but Remus was quicker and taking the stairs two at a time he moved past her, placing his hand on either bannister, blocking her from ascending to the top.

‘What do you want Remus?’ she sighed, folding her arms across her chest as he looked at her. ‘I wanted to talk to you.’

‘Yeah well, you should have thought about that before. I’m not in the mood to be friends with you right now so just leave me alone.’

‘No Y/N listen please,’ he said as the moving staircase clicked into place and he was forced to let her continue before it moved off again. He kept in stride with her as she walked but talked none the less even though she didn’t want to listen. ‘Look I know I'm not your favourite person in the world right now-‘

‘-Understatement.’

‘I'm no one’s favourite person in the world right now but if you just let me talk to you for just a second and then I’ll be out of your hair, I promise,’ he said looking at her expectantly, hoping puppy dogs eyes would work.

‘Fine. But you’ve not got long, It’s Thursday I’ve got-‘

‘-Choir practice. I know. Look I’m sorry. I really am for all the things I said I didn’t mean them I just thought that if you hated me it would be easier for you to accept that we needed to break up but I realise now, well Sirius forced me to realise, that I’ve been such an idiot. I thought that pushing you away made you safe and that you needed saving but you don’t. You're an amazing girl who doesn’t need anyone's help, it should be your choice on who you want to be with I get that. I just got so wrapped up in the thought of losing you I thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out actually losing you was worse than I thought. So, if you'll have me, I want to get back together,’ Remus heaved a great sigh of relief as he spoke the courage it took to say those words out loud evaporating as he looked at Y/N’s reluctant face.

‘Remus,'’ was all she said and Remus felt a hand reaching into his ribcage and pulling out his heart, squeezing it tightly, ‘Oh Remus I don’t know. I mean thank you for apologising and everything but you really hurt me. A lot. And how can I trust that this won't happen again, a week from now? Six months from now. When we’re married. I can't. So I don’t know. I just don’t know.’

‘It won't I know what it's like to lose you and I don’t want to-‘

‘You can't promise that you won't doubt yourself and I don't know if I want to be caught in the crossfire.’

‘Y/N I love you. More than anything.

‘And I love you too. I just don’t know if it’s enough anymore.’ Remus bit his lip and nodded, he couldn’t blame her, not really. It was his fault they were in this position anyway. Smiling sadly she said, ‘Look I’ve got to go. Let me think about it okay?’ and as he nodded she moved around him and down the corridors whilst Remus stood there, heartbroken once again.


	4. Don't Call Yourself A Monster

It was Friday night and Remus was in bed, even though it was outrageously early. The boys had spent the day trying to convince him to sneak out to Hogsmeade this evening but he had refused and after a while, they’d given up. He was laying in bed, atop of the covers, melancholy music playing from his radio throughout the dormitory. He hadn’t wallowed all too much when they’d split up, as the marauders had been adamant to keep his spirits up, telling him that any girl who split up with him was a fool. Now they were impatient, sure they sympathised with him knowing that he’d been rejected by the girl he loved but the Marauders couldn’t help but think it was sort of Remus’ own doing. If he hadn’t had made her break up with him in the first place he wouldn’t be in this mess so they were less compassionate to Remus’ moping around the bedroom.

There was a knock at the door which roused Remus from his thoughts. Slowly he raised himself off the bed and to the dorm door, which he opened to reveal Y/N stood on the other side. ‘Hey,’ she said.‘Hey,’ Remus replied, the sight of her warming his heart. She was dressed in her normal clothes, a pair of jeans and trainers and a t-shirt he was sure once belonged to him. Her hair was down and she wasn’t wearing makeup. Remus thought she looked beautiful.

‘Can I come in?’ she asked and he nodded moving so he was out of her way, as she moved passed him observing the messy room the boys called home. Dodging the mess she moved to the other side of the room and perched on the edge of Remus’ bed. He walked over to the bed too and sat down, both of them sat in silence for a minute, as the radio crooned out an old love song. Remus watched as Y/N fiddled with the bedclothes before she turned and took a deep breath before saying, ‘Look you really hurt me-‘  
‘I know’  
‘-And I made decisions for me without even stopping to think how i-.’  
‘-I know.’  
‘And that made it worse and I've been miserable for-'  
‘-I know.’  
‘Remus would you just let me talk for a second!’ she said irately looking at Remus who dropped his gaze and muttered ‘Sorry’

‘Look I know for whatever chauvinistic reason you thought you were saving me or helping me or whatever. But if we’re going to continue this relationship I need you to understand that I get to decide whats’ best for me. I love you and I want to be with you. That doesn’t mean that I don’t understand what you are or what people think. I do, I really do. But I just don’t care. I want to be with you no matter what and if I can look past the potential danger or the bigoted people I expect that you do too. The question isn’t will I take you back, it's will you stop being so hard on yourself and let someone love you. You deserve it so much Remus but you constantly belittle your meaning to other people. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you doubting whether or not I really love you. Because I do.’

Silence lingered in the air like a thick fog as Remus looked at his hands. Then without thinking he moved forward and placing his hands either side of her face he kissed her. Y/N melted into the kiss, she had forgotten how good it felt to be in his arms and as she deepened it she hoped she’d never had to move from them again. Remus pulled back first, although reluctantly, and pressed his forehead against Y/N. ‘I promise that no matter what I know how much you love me. And I'm going to try for the rest of my life to make you see how much I love you.’

‘Good, because I've missed you so much.’  
‘Me too.’  
‘And Remus?’  
‘Yeah.’  
‘Don’t ever refer to yourself as a monster again.’


End file.
